so explain again why im purple
no
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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