My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
