Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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