What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
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