I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
