My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
