hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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