I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
