Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
