I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
It's Friday. Sex?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
