I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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