Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
