I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
