Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
