I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize