I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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