I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
