yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
