someone get that fucking seahorse.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
