Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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