Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
