sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
