Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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