conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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