a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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