Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
