I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize