We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
