Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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