i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize