Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
