It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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