So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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