I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
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