Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
