you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
