My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
