You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
it's like iHOP with fire
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
