New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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