I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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