I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
