I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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