I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
