i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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