Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
No I am not eating basil off your cock
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
