my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
