Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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