he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
