U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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