Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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