guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
