dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
