it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
