have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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