If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Your dad touched me again.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
